The MRE dinner date
MRE dinner date, The following is a true story....told from the point of
view of a Marine ..
I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before,
the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on
something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations
that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:
I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out
three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets
of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the
Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic and olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice
together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I
added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then
cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.
When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a
bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda
like velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans
(hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five
packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up
and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I
sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special
Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six ) and mixed in four
packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says
that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the
electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the
table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that *** is
EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune
PX ), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.
She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food,
and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"
We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept
asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously
knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the
makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she
drank four glasses during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed
with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?
Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
rest room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and
a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.
Let the games begin.
She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each,
Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smellgood) and returned to the
couch, this time with an obvious pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with
me???" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being
employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair
instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind
of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up
and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so
hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.
She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am
SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I
can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Immodium AD, and
she finally settled down and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had
enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the
used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
A fter explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of
"Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously,
and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"
After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.
She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't *** for 5 days, and when she
finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the
hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high
caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again,
unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was
the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so
upset by it she was in tears in t he bathroom while I had been in tears on the
"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional illogical liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous liberal press which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
"It is criminal to teach a man not to defend himself, when he is the constant victim of brutal attacks. It is legal and lawful to own a shotgun or a rifle. We believe in obeying the law." -- Malcolm X
"We (atheists) act in good conscience because we believe in moral principles, not because we expect a reward in Heaven." -- Margherita Hack
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