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Old 09-29-2007
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Dolphin_Shooter Dolphin_Shooter is offline
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 617
Default For the Lawyers

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
> people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
> by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
> were actually taking place.
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo ?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
> doesn't know bout it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ___________________________________
> ATTORNEY: The youngst son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
> ________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
> attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
> notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
> people?
> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
> rephrase that?
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
> autopsy on him!
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
> ______________________________________
> --- And the best for last: ---
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
> pulse?
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
> the autopsy?
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
> law
"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional illogical liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous liberal press which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
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