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  #1  
Old 07-20-2006
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Bandera Bandera is offline
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Default The S**t List

The Shit List

THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realise you have to shit some more. Sometimes known as the "BUS SHIT", as if you wait a few minutes another one comes along.

THE BRAIN HAEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN SHIT
This is where you have eaten some sweetcorn, and miraculously it has reformed into the cob.

THE LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that's so enormous you are afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the "POWER DUMP". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER
Characterised by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control. Also known as "THE HOMESICK POO", as it doesn't want to leave 'home'

THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless. Sometimes known as the " ICE CREAM VAN SHIT" due to the way it is laid down.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the "DRINKER'S SHIT".

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.

PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a "STILL GOING" shit.

THE SURPRISE SHIT
This is where you go to fart, and this one pops out.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from "THE LOG SHIT".)

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.

THE BOSTON STRANGLER
Try as you might, the damn thing won't snap off. This is the more serious version of the "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE"
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  #2  
Old 07-21-2006
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sixshooter sixshooter is offline
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Default sh*t happens

Where did you get this Shit? it's funny
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  #3  
Old 07-24-2006
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Bandera Bandera is offline
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sixshooter
Where did you get this Shit? it's funny

Fucked if I know

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word *fuck*. It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, *fuck* falls into many grammatical categories.

It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).

It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).

It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck I'm late for my date with Mary).

It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word *fuck*. Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:


1. Greetings - How the fuck are ya?

2. Fraud - I got fucked by the car dealer.

3. Resignation - Oh, fuck it!

4. Trouble - I guess I'm fucked now.

5. Aggression - FUCK YOU!

6. Disgust - Fuck me.

7. Confusion - What the fuck.......?

8. Difficulty - I don't understand this fucking business!

9. Despair - Fucked again...

10. Pleasure - I fucking couldn't be happier.

11. Displeasure - What the fuck is going on here?

12. Lost - Where the fuck are we.

13. Disbelief - UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!

14. Retaliation - Up your fucking ass!

15. Denial - I didn't fucking do it.

16. Perplexity - I know fuck all about it.

17. Apathy - Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?

18. Surprise - Fuck, what the hell was that?

19. Suspicion - Who the fuck are you?

20. Panic - Let's get the fuck out of here.

21. Directions - Fuck off.

22. Disbelief - How the fuck did you do that?


It can be used in an anatomical description- He's a fucking asshole.

It can be used to tell time- It's five fucking thirty.

It can be used in business- How did I wind up with this fucking job?

It can be maternal- Motherfucker.

It can be political- Fuck Dan Quayle!

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

What the fuck was that? - Mayor of Hiroshima

Where did all these fucking Indians come from? - General Custer

Where the fuck is all this water coming from? - Captain of the Titanic

That's not a real fucking gun. - John Lennon

Who's gonna fucking find out? - Richard Nixon

Heads are going to fucking roll. - Anne Boleyn

Let the fucking woman drive. - Commander of Space Shuttle

What fucking map? - Challenger, Mark Thatcher

Any fucking idiot could understand that. - Albert Einstein

It does so fucking look like her! - Picasso

How the fuck did you work that out? - Pythagoras

You want what on the fucking ceiling? - Michaelangelo

Fuck a duck. - Walt Disney

Why?- Because its fucking there! - Edmund Hilary

I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain? - Joan of Arc

Scattered fucking showers my ass. - Noah

I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head. - John F. Kennedy
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  #4  
Old 07-25-2006
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PT-The Italian Commie PT-The Italian Commie is offline
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Thumbs up Oh, FUCK, Bandera...

This -FUCKIN' IS- one of the best ever!
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  #5  
Old 08-01-2006
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Dolphin_Shooter Dolphin_Shooter is offline
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Default You forget one the "Shart"

I get these alot... half shit half fart. These allways come at the wrong time!
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  #6  
Old 08-03-2006
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PetMonkey27 PetMonkey27 is offline
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Default reply

yeah. the fucking one had a couple i didnt expect. pretty good.
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