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  #1  
Old 04-27-2006
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Default Chuck Norris News

Chuck Norris' calender goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one
fools Chuck Norris.
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  #2  
Old 05-03-2006
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Who's Chuck Norris?
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Old 05-03-2006
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Default Who is Chuck Norris?

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Originally Posted by Edmond
Who's Chuck Norris?

Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick you to the face just for claiming you don't know who he is.
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  #4  
Old 05-03-2006
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haha--
I wrote this back around '02:
1)Chuck invented the Electric guitar, gun powder, and the atmoic bomb in the same week.
2)Chuck once taught a monkey kung fu...then showed everyone he was still the master by kicking its butt.
3)Chuck once delivered a lamb on the set of Walker Texas Ranger...and then round house kicked it to feed starving orphans.
4)Kim Jung has officially banned all Chuck Norris movies in North Korea.
5)Chuck Norris had the kennedy assasination reancted to show how he could have saved Pres. Kennedy by catching the bullet with his thighs.
6)Chuck once cracked three walnuts at once with his powerful buttocks.
7) Chuck has boldly gone where no man has gone before.
8)The original script for predator versus terminator versus robocop had chuck playing the lead role, but was fired for being too manly.
9)Arnold Schwarzeneggar wants to declare Chuck's birthday a holiday in California...chuck refused since xmas was already taken.
10)Hurricane Katrina was caused by the gale force winds of chuck's first round house kick.
11)Chuck is lactose intolerant, so he makes his own soy milk by grinding the beans with his bare knuckles.
12)On the set of Delta Force, Chuck Norris did all his own stunts plus the stunts of all 1,500 extras--including the entire North Vietnamese army.
13)Chuck once took out an entire swarm of killer bees with just a strong glare.
14)Chuck makes his own fishing line by braiding his chest hairs together.
15)Chuck has been a body double for Brad Pitt and George Clooney at the same time.
16)When he was 12, Chuck went into the mountains and killed a mountain lion with his bare hands and using his own leg for bait. He then breast fed her young kits himself before releasing them back into the wild.
17)In his spare time Chuck engages in impressionist art--his most recent a set of photos of his favorite knuckle impressions.
18)Chuck Norris beat Superman.
19)Chuck once saved the Pope from rabid nuns.
20)Chuck's preferred alcoholic beverage is a Fuzzy Navel served in the chilled skull of a giant silver back ape he killed when was 18.
21)Ted Nugent has a shrine built to Chuck from antlers and Keith Richard's dead skin cells.
22)Chuck's DNA has an extra chromasome for super fast kicks.
23)Chuck once put out a forest fire with nothing but his mustache.
24)Chuck shaves using a rock.
25)The government tried to clone chuck for super soliders, but their test subject was born without a putitary gland and a frontal lobe: tom cruise.
26)Chuck plugged the hole in the ozone with his chest once.
27)Chuck is the only thing to ever escape a black hole: see M.I.A. II
28)Chuck can grow his own limbs back by pure will power.
29)Chuck can hold his breath one hour.
30)For parties, chuck likes to climb Everest for fresh Ice.
31)Chuck once made a gazebo by sanding down planks using his manly stubble and driving nails using his pinky.
32)Chuck invented the poker face.
33)Chuck Norris is personally responsible for 90% of the broken doors in public restrooms in three nations.
34)Chuck once removed his own appendix using a pocket knife.
35)Chuck's tears turn into diamonds...unfortunately he's never cried...ever.
36)Chuck prefers to wait rather than sleep.
37)Chuck's knucles are trademark.
39)Every morning Chuck drinks three gallons of crocodile tears.
40)In bullfights, chuck prefers to subdue the raging "toros" by putting them in sleeper holds.
41)Chuck was supposed to play matt damon's role in Good Will Hunting, revenge was hooking up ben affleck with J-lo.
42)Chuck learns by osmosis.
43)Chuck has never written a word. The alphabet assembles out of fear.
44)Chuck knows every number in Pi.
45)NSA watches Chuck because George W. worries about him being under the bed.
46)Chuck's blood is KA+-- Kick A$$ plus and cure everything except cancer, death, and roundhouse kicks.
47)Chuck can open a beer keg with his chin, his ear for bottles.
48)Chuck norris has broken ever record in guiness...twice.
49)Chuck is 1/8th indian...this is not genetics...he ate a native american.
50)Chuck is immune to everything but silver candy canes.
51)If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
52)Chuck once cured a man's leprosy...and then bet him to death with the guy's own arm.
53)A picture of chuck crouched and prepared for battle doubles as his tax form. Chuck has never been audited.
54)Chuck's blood once brought a convicted killer that chuck killed back to life...he then killed him again.
55)The devil once challenged chuck to a violin contest, the Devil went home with a bow lodged somewhere below his sternum.
56) Chuck can make a solid instantly turn into a gas.
57)Chuck rides only wild stallions using halters and ropes braided from his manbeard..
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Old 05-03-2006
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58)Chuck invented the beard.
59)In his spare time chuck has his own wolverine milk industry. He prefer to do all the milking himself by hand.
60)Chuck can count to infinity and back.
61)Chuck will be declared the 51st state in 2010.
62)Time is money and chuck is pain, as such time waits for no man except chuck.
63) There is an "I" in Norris, but no team...ever.
64) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is base on fact: Chuck ate a turtle and when it passed through his intestinal track it emerged six feet tall with three degrees in Tei Kwan Do.
65)Chuck has a tiny scar on his left arm where he bit off a mole-- he spit it out and it later grew up to become Steven Segal.
66)Chuck's legs are an acceptable definition for affirmative action.
67)If you forsake chuck then you will end up in a special place in heaven so when chuck arrives he can singly handly bring you that beat down you so righteously deserve...heathen.
68)Steven Hawking ended up in a wheel chair after he claimed that a chuck norris in a parallel universe could be even more badass.
69)Chuck actually prefers roses to kicks...unless they get aphids. Aphids piss chuck off.
70)Chuck was supposed to be in donkey kong...Unofrtunately not even HD can contain the awesomeness that is 8-bit chuck.
71)The guy who invented water slides was inspired by watching sweat drip from chuck's back.
72)Chuck keeps Hitler's left testicle on his keychain.
73)Chuck's breath is considered a sports enhancement drug.
74)Chuck was the fourth wiseman who gave the Christ child the gift of beard which we recognize in all known photos of the J-man.
75) Chuck must be sponge bathed...water refuses to come near him.
76)Nasa requests Chucks knuckles for heat shields on the next shuttle.
77)Q: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if he was chuck norris?
A: ALL OF IT.
78)Takeru Kobayashi at 50 1/2 hot dogs in twelve minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 1/2 minutes.
79)The heat from chuck's thighs when wearing cordoroy can wield titanium.
80)An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. 10 out of 10 women agree.
81)Chuck Norris: the fourteenth plague of Egypt.
82) Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. THAT is the "Circle of Life."
83) Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
84) Chuck's preferred meat is anything cooked to shoe leather.
85) Chuck uses every part of the ninja.
86) Chuck can grant you one wish...as long as it's for the total gym or a round house kick.
87) Chuck's kick is the only known cure for cancer...unfortunately the only known side effect is death.
88) Chuck has every copy of netional geographic...ever...he keeps them all in his basement, ordered, in a single stack, and can lift it with one hand.
89)Chuck can create a moutain big enough even he can't lift it...that does not mean he can't kick the crap out of it.
90)Chuck once tripped while wrestling an alligator, a bear, and a tiger at once...the ground bled.
91)Chuck has every way to skin a cat copyrighted.
92) It's called Walker Texas Ranger...chuck simply does not run.
93)Chuck once moved a house by holding it while the earth rotated.
94)Chuck shredded a 10,000 pound bear into 10,000 pieces and used them to feed a starving village.
95)Kryptonite is 10% Chuck.
97)Ground chuck is a term coroners prefer to call most victims of the chuck roundhouse.
98)The challenger explosion, the eruption of mt. st. helens, and la riots have been directly linked to chuck's orgasms.
99)Chuck makes snowcones by shaving bricks of ice with his knuckle hair.
100)Chuck does not know the meaning of "obstruction of justice" since nothing can stop chuck.
101) Chuck can use 5 uzis-- one in each hand, foot, and the fifth he kicks up into the air to spray bullets.
102)Chuck is actually blonde, years of bathing in the blood of his enemies has dyed his hair and turned his skin to asbestos.
103) Chuck gives Cold the shivers.
104)Chuck Norris does not recognize the emancipation proclomation, declaration of independance, or the magna carta. Mankind is his slave.
105)Chuck WILL give you something to cry about.
106)50 to 250 inches of rain falls in the amazon yearly, mostly comprised of evaporated tears from the children of chuck's defeated enemies.
107)There has never been a tornado in in texas-- chuck hates trailer parks.
108)Cynanide's chemical abreviation is CN- this is not coincidence.
109)The tried to put chuck norris into DOA 4 as the last unlockable character if beaten on ultra insane hard mode. Unfortunately chuck is the only person capable of unlocking himself-- but to prove his awesome ness still kicks his digital self's ass.
110)Chuck consider's america a national treasure.
111)Halloween was invented when Chuck Norris disguised himself as a ghost so that he could beat up a pumpkin, light it on fire, and steal all of its candy.
112)When he found himself confronted by a one armed ninja...chuck bit off his own arms and legs to even the odds. Even though he can grow back limbs, chuck sewed on his stuff using a rusty tent spike and barbed wire...he's frugal like that.
113)Chuck touches Mc Hammer when he feels like it.
114)Chuck does not believe in ghosts and believes you can only trust what you kill. Chuck trusts everyone.
115)Chuck let the dogs out.
116)10 times infinity equals chuck norris.
117)Norris sweat is a fuel alternative.
118)Chuck has visited Mars twice: thus why no signs of life and that cool self portrait.
119)When chuck got in touch with his feminine side , she got pregnant.
120)Ashton Kutcher once tried to "punk" chuck, ashton learned "punch." Thus inspiring Dude where's my car and butterfly effect.
121)Chuck can scramble an egg while it's in it's shell, crack it open, unscramble it, pour it in his navel, and hatch a chick.
122)Chuck kills because he cares, and for your sins.
123) The eleventh commandment: chuck is both a noun and a verb-- you shall simply call him sir.
124) All your base are belong to chuck.
125) How many round house kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop? One if you're chuck.
126) Chuck's chest is considered an aphrodesiac in 7 countries.
127)Chuck only wipes with tiger pelts he himself has harvested.
128)Chuck once turned coal into oil, and then turned refined it into fuel which he used to torch a neo nazi compound.
129)Chuck's fury is an acceptable form of currency in all major nations.
130) Superman was based on Chuck, loosely, this is why superman has one flaw and chuck has none.
131) If it wasn't for chuck, then the kid from sixth sense would have nobody to talk to.
132) Chuck norris made out with your mom and your dad gave him a high five.
133) when in college Chuck snorted anthrax.
135) If you say chuck norris three times fast your head will explode. If it doesn't work, you're not saying it fast enough.
136) He knows when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, so be good unless you want a round house kick to the face.
137)The sun rises and sets on chuck norris-- thus his golden tan.
138) Chuck beat the Great wall of china just to show up the grand canyon.
139)Chuck norris found waldo and carmen sandiego before beating them up.
140) The densest substance on earth are the big toes of Chuck norris.
141) There is no such thing as boogeymen, werewolves, or virgins from Ohio thanks to chuck norris.
142) chuck has never needed a t.v. remote-- he simply flexes and the t.v. obeys.
143) Using his ultimate roundhouse to warp time and space, chuck norris is in fact his own father.
144) Chuck invented the gun to even the odds.
Chuck killed 145 ninjas in the time that it took me to write this
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  #6  
Old 05-03-2006
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I saw a rerun of "Walker, Texas Ranger" a few months back that showed Chuck Norris taking three magnum rounds in the back and surviving. Also, the prison guards in Texas apparently use AKs.

Walker also told me I have AIDS.
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